How I zapped my head to cure my depression

“In the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost. Ah, how hard a thing it is to tell what a wild, and rough, and stubborn wood this was, which in my thought renews the fear!”

― Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy

It was a bad January. My son had just left for college that summer and my position in the sphere of family was broken. I was missing part of my galaxy and no matter how much I tried to resolve the pain I found myself returning to a series of thoughts that brought me lower and lower.

My biggest issue was that my brain wasn’t empty. I don’t have an inner monologue - my internal ramblings come out here, in my writing. But during that period I was churning through everything that was going wrong, everything that was changing, all of my regrets. It was overwhelming.

I spoke to my shrink who told me to go on Pristiq again, an SNRI. When I was on it after my father died I found myself gaining weight and essentially feeling numb. Further, whenever I missed a dose - even a tiny one - I’d get the zaps. That feeling alone, a sense that your brain is electrified when you move your eyes, was enough to convince me I needed an alternative treatment. I found another counselor and with their permission I tried Flow.

My friend Natasha suggested I try it - they had pitched her at TechCrunch - and they sent me a unit and some pads. I strapped it to my head and pressed the button.

And I think it fixed me.

What is tDCS?

Flow uses transcranial Direct Current Stimulation or tDCS to reduce or even eradicate the symptoms of depression.

tDCS, or transcranial direct current stimulation, is a non-invasive technology that works by sending a very mild electrical current to specific parts of the brain to change how active these areas are. This change can influence behavior and abilities, such as how we learn, perform tasks, or handle social and emotional situations. You can read a bit more about it here but I’ll paraphrase the science a bit.

There are multiple types of stimulations including something called anodal that can make it easier to recognize people's facial expressions and might even reduce aggressive reactions. Another type, called cathodal, has been used to help with certain types of learning, like motor skills, by temporarily decreasing activity in parts of the brain involved in memory.

tDCS devices are practical because they can be used multiple times, are not very expensive, and can be easily replaced if they get damaged. This makes tDCS a promising tool for therapy. It's simple enough that researchers or even patients can use it at home, potentially as a complement or even as an alternative to medication. This could help speed up recovery and improve skills like movement and thinking.

Studies have shown promising results, like reducing depression symptoms or decreasing hallucinations in people with schizophrenia, and improving certain learning delays in autism. However, more research is needed to fully understand and confirm these benefits.

The device itself is basically a very low power set of electrodes that fit on either side of the head. The electrodes are surprisingly big - about two inches in diameter - and sit right next to the temples. The process lasts for about 30 minutes and feels like a very small tingle or zap at the point where the electrodes are sitting.

The whole thing is painless but obviously your results may vary. If you’ve ever used one of those muscle stimulators that were popular a few years ago you’ll be familiar with the sensation although this zapper sends a much lower voltage through your head. In theory the electricity isn’t even enough to activate the brain.

You’re supposed to use the device for 30 days straight and then twice a week. I followed the instructions to the letter and zapped myself for thirty minutes a day. The results were interesting.

I started with a depression score of 31 which wasn’t high but wasn’t great. I was essentially clinically depressed and I wasn’t able to sleep or eat. I lost 20 pounds. I lay awake nightly howling in my own head.

Now I’m not.

Basically my appetite is back, my sleep is normal, and the anxiety I was feeling has reduced itself to background noise. I’ve been able to meditate as well, which has helped, but I Flow seemed to work. Maybe it was a placebo, maybe I’m lying to myself, but I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t tried it.

This isn’t a recommendation to try Flow in lieu of professional help. It’s a review of a product that really helped me and I wanted to put it on people’s radar in case they needed help.

I’m very cognizant of the mental health of people who want to achieve great things. I’ve known lots of people like that and if you’re reading this I know you’re that kind of person. And I know that when we reach a certain point our brains rebel and we start to get sad. I wrote about this a lot and I think it’s very important.

Don't kill yourself

So when I got depressed again I turned to something that I thought would help. It did. I’m really glad. I’m not perfect - I’m still very touchy and still get very angry - and my relationships are struggling a bit but I think that whatever happened is slowing down and maybe fixing itself. I’m also glad that I didn’t have to take pills but I am talking to a therapist weekly who explained that what I felt was normal, cold comfort for someone who likes to keep an even keel.

My dad once said that the key to life was to stay sane while others around you go crazy. He told me this while we were in a French train station in 1989, the smell of tear gas fresh in the halls after a major strike. Police in plastic riot gear were surrounding some protestors and he remained calm and collected, an iceberg in the turbulent sea.

I’ve always wanted to be like that. But sometimes I can’t be. And I’m glad I found some help.

I’m feeling better. That’s what matters.